New York: frostbite in winter, death by stench in summer
Wow, New York! The glamour! A big park! Some famous bridges that cars drive over! Cocaine-snaffling stockbrokers! Two men fighting to the death over the contents of a bin! Over-worked cops who are one quip away from cracking somebody’s skull! Ultimately, NY is the trash-encrusted epitome of everything that is bad about modern capitalism. Make an investment worthy of Wall Street by simply not being a part of it. Ever.
Where to go instead: San Francisco. A relaxed city full of weird and wonderful people who have time to stop and shoot the breeze. And not you.
Singapore: a grasping, sweaty capitalist Disneyland
Have you heard about Singapore? Apparently, it’s the place to go now! If you like banks and rules and not a whole lot else, Singapore is the place for you! It’s kind of like being in Switzerland plus murderous heat and extra heavy-handedness. You can be caned for not flushing the toilet, or jailed for accessing someone else’s wi-fi or hugging in the street.
Where to go instead: Bangkok, where they know how to have a good time.
Machu Picchu: the over-hyped show-off of the Andes
Did you ever notice how, in every picture of Machu Picchu, it’s always surrounded by ethereal fog? Well, that’s because the ruins don’t look all that impressive without the fog. In fact, the entire Andean mountain range is full of Incan ruins that are in equally good condition. The only difference is, you’ll be able to experience them for a fraction of the price and without having your view blocked by a hoard of pastel-coloured North Face raincoats.
Where to go instead: If you want to experience the mysterious world of the Incas without getting poked in the eye with someone’s selfie stick, check out these alternatives to Machu Picchu.
Las Vegas: a vision of hell as imagined by Michael Bay
Once sunlight hits Las Vegas, you realise that everything has a fake, superficial quality to it. The Eiffel tower is fake, the Venetian canals are fake, the Elvises are fake, even the breasts are fake. The only real thing is the sense of emptiness that makes you want to hurl yourself over the Hoover Dam.
If the city were a foodstuff, it would be a white fudge pretzel. The first bite is strangely satisfying, but each subsequent bite makes you feel progressively more sick.
Where to go instead: For vibrant American cities with rip-roaring live music & entertainment, visit New Orleans or Memphis.
Paris: where the French get their revenge on everybody
Everyone in Paris hates you. They hate you, they hate your partner, and they hate your children. You, that person wandering across three lanes of traffic around with that whimsical ‘Je ne sais quoi’ look on your face, are the bane of their existence. Just seeing you taking pictures of stuff makes their heart valves constrict with rage.
But soon enough, you’ll have to check into a hotel, or ask for directions, and with their world-renowned gift for being belligerent and rude, they will have their revenge.
Where to go instead: Montpellier is a vibrant and friendly city with a laid-back coastal vibe and plenty of cultural events, especially in summer.
Pictures: Getty, ThinkStock