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The 5 million copy
bestselling series

Sex on the beach

‘Having sex “indoors” is only a relatively recent phenomenon.’

Some fun facts about sex in general

  1. 57% of Americans have had sex outdoors or in a public place.
  2. 12% of adults have had sex at work.
  3. Sleep-deprived men are more likely to believe that women want to have sex with them.
  4. Some people experience the same feeling of arousal when thinking about food as when having sex.
  5. You can’t say happiness without saying penis…

Humans have been having sex outdoors since the first two humans did it in a bush, or maybe in a cave. But is a cave classed as ‘outdoors’ if it is technically a home and furnished with animal skin rugs? Anyway, they were probably found going at it by a sabre-toothed tiger who then took pictures of them making a baby on its iPhone 1 and snapchatted them to its tiger friends.

Having sex ‘indoors’ is only a relatively recent phenomenon (in comparison to the time span of human existence) yet we seem to have lost the ability to succumb to the primal instinct of getting semi-naked in a public place.

I think I want to have sex outdoors, but I’m not really sure about it?

It’s important not to just throw yourself into it and make a mockery of yourself. First of all, have you even had sex in a bed yet? Outdoor sex is at more of an intermediate skill level rather than beginner. If you’ve mastered the art of having sex on a mattress, try it out on the kitchen floor or over a washing machine to get used to uncomfortable surroundings. After that, maybe try it in a tent or in a conservatory, to practice being at one with nature while playing at ‘the beast with two backs’. If you don’t have nosy neighbours, have a practice in your back garden before heading out into the big bad world of indecent exposure.

How do I convince my partner to have sex outdoors?

Lead him/her to a secluded corner of the garden where a picnic blanket and lots of chilled wine await. Don’t forget the corkscrew (that’s not a sexual position).

So once we’re ready, where would be the best place to do it?

The great thing about sex outdoors is that you have the freedom to do it wherever you want. However there are some particular places that are not recommended, such as a school playground or children’s play area, your front garden, the back garden at your parents’ house, outside a police station, or on the marshy floor of a rainforest where you could be easily bitten by something nasty.

Do I need any special equipment?

Just the usual. Although, unless you’re an acrobatic professional, for comfort and hygiene reasons you should probably bring a picnic blanket of some description, or if you’re not fooling anyone just a coat to put on the ground. For a first time it’s probably a good idea to bring some kind of hand sanitizer or wet wipes in case things get messy and you end up with old bits of bark in places they shouldn’t be. Sting relief cream may also be necessary. A condom is also a good idea, though make sure you prevent any insects from inhabiting it without your permission.

What if someone catches me?

Explain that you’re performing an art ‘installation’ and that Tracey Emin is filming the whole shebang. They’ll move on fairly rapidly.

Do say ‘You look even sexier in the sunshine than you do in the bedroom.’

Don’t ask Do you mind if the dog joins us?’

 

Happy Bluffing!

Jo Middleton

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