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Whether a first-timer or an experienced pro on the slopes, a bluffer must be able to recognise certain types of skiers, if only to confirm which are fellow bluffers and which are not. Here are The Bluffer’s Guides To Skiing’s top six types of skiers to watch out for.

The mountain legend

There is no terrain he hasn’t skied, no challenge he hasn’t conquered, no crevasse he hasn’t been in, no avalanche he hasn’t ‘raced’, no cliff he hasn’t jumped. He skis in powder so deep he needs a periscope to see where he’s going. He makes these claims in the knowledge that no one can refute them because no one has ever seen him ski. That is because he ‘must ski alone’: the danger gives him an adrenaline ‘buzz’. He wears an avalanche transceiver on the outside of his suit – £700 worth of zips and buckles, guaranteed pristine at all times.

The hot rod

He rarely skis because he can’t afford to spend that long away from a mirror. He notches up female victims on his skis like a fighter pilot on his fuselage. If asked why he doesn’t ski he will say that he’s ‘bored’ with it. In fact he could never get the hang of it. If a flea were to dive into his pool of skiing knowledge, it would break its neck.

The snow kitten

Kittens hang around hot rods looking thin and pained. This is because hot rods don’t pay them any attention and kittens don’t know what else to do. Like hot rods, they are keen on suntans and video bars and not too keen on snow. They are also keen on fur, Ferraris, fat wallets and people called Fabio. They aren’t too clever, though; they usually fail to notice that Fabio hasn’t got any money.

The pig-on-planks

PoPs are notoriously violent; with little provocation they would stick a ski in your mouth – sideways. They tend to have thick necks and no brains; they can often be seen trying to figure out how to work a zip. On skis they exhibit all the characteristics of a hit-and-run driver. Their technique hasn’t progressed beyond a 60mph snowplough, and they couldn’t stop even if they wanted to. Unfortunately they are nearly always British.

Instructors

Male ski instructors are dangerous. They are over-sexed, amoral, utterly ruthless, vain, impatient and irresistible to women. The lucky bastards. Female instructors wear expressions of extreme boredom brought about by years of exposure to small children on skis, and pigs-on-planks who should know better than to try to molest them. They are among the most dangerous women in the world to molest. If you try it they can effortlessly kill you and make it look like an accident.

The first-timer

First-timers are to be deeply envied. No skier will ever again have as much fun falling over and laughing uncontrollably at everything. They are made conspicuous by their verbal diarrhoea, permanent grins and muddy backsides.

The Bluffer's Guide to Skiing

 

 

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