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Want to lose weight? Spurred on by a current love interest? Or perhaps you’re just curious about all these diet trends and whether they actually work. Britain’s diet industry, now worth £2 billion, is spilling over with the latest and greatest food fads. With this in mind, Bluffer’s is here to advise, deliberate and hold you up when you feel faint from fasting. Sounds appetising? Feast your eyes on this lot.

 

The Paleolithic Diet: a meaty subject

There was a time, shockingly, when Waitrose didn’t exist and people had to forage for food where it actually grew and lived. This diet is based on the wild plants and animals humans consumed during the Paleolithic era of 12,000 years ago, through which participants were supposedly free from disease (and difficult packaging). Stick to low-carb, high-protein foods such as meat, fish and vegetables to lose weight and reduce your risk of cancer, heart disease and other health problems. Just ask Fred Flintsone – a man who’s only ill when he’s faking it. We’ll let the cartoon thing slide.

5:2: faint by numbers

If you haven’t heard a work colleague boast about their Wednesdays and Sundays consisting of just a cup of tea and a banana, you either work alone or have somehow escaped the shackles of the 5:2 diet. Based on the principle of intermittent fasting (IF), you eat normally five days a week and survive on 500 calories (and bolting the kitchen door) for the remaining two. The upside? Greater reductions in body fat, improved cognitive functions and you may live longer. The downside? Overeating, reduced energy and you may live longer – while slowly boring everyone around you to death.

 

The Dukan Diet: good grief

This diet sounds akin to the five stages of grief, instead encompassing various ‘phases’ including ‘Attack’ and ‘Consolidation’. The crazy scientist behind it all is Doctor Pierre Dukan, author of Love Your Curves (because no-one else does). Lose weight by filling up on protein before slowly introducing vegetables and carbohydrates. You may lose ten pounds in week one – but also your bowel functions, kidneys and mind. Mr Dukan, we’d solute your efforts, if only we had the energy.

 

The Atkins Diet: special effects

Strict on the vegetables and high on fat – could this be the clear winner? Like the Paleolithic diet, this operates on a low-carb, high-protein methodology but also proposes Dukan-like phases. Restrict the carbs for two weeks – and supposedly lose up to 15lb – before re-introducing horrors like carrots and exercise (always a catch). If you’re mad on dairy and want to lose weight quickly, The Atkins diet may be for you. If you’re also desperate for bad breath, constipation and nausea, they’re merely a bonus.

 

What to say: “Food is just a state of mind”
What not to say: “I’m all for drastic measures but this Amputation Diet seems a bit much.”

 

Emma Rink

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